By Arthur G. Staples ON "THE INFLUENZY" DOC'S been here agen terday! Seem's ez ef he come ter say "How yer gettin' on terday?" lookin' at me where I lay. I ain't talkin' over much; ain't no need ter air my lore. Eyes a burning' where they be; ears a bustin' with a roar; mouth thet's like a shingle-mill; dry's the handle of a pump; back that's broke square in two bout four inches 'bove the rump! So I ain't so long on talk. Got no answer fer the doc! Doc don't seem ter mind me none; sets around a little bit; pulls a little dictaphone; lays it on my kroop- er-bone; makes me breathe and holler "A-a-ah"; breathe an' intake; breathe an' groan through the little dictaphone. Sez he after quite a spell. "Them Bolsheveeks is raisin' hell! D'ye think ol' Wilson's doin' well?" Take my tempertoor agen; thumps me on the abdo- men. "Think it's goin' ter snow agen?" But I don't want no casual chat. I don't call no doc, fer that. Got no call for Bolsheveeks, fer at least a couple er weeks! Don't keer ef it snows an' snows ef I could only blow my nose! I want facks! Right off'n the bat! I don't want no social chat! Ef I'm wusn't what I wus, what's the reason; what's the cause? What's the status of he case; tell te facks right to my face; lemme know the wust and best; is my innards all congessed; are there bones loose in my pate; is my backbone dislocate; ef I ain't got no tempertoor an' no disease fer sure, what in time's ther howdydoo ef 'taint the pip and 'tain't the flu? Doc he sets around a bit. "Man!" says he, "you're lookin' fit! Have you fightin' Dempsey yit." Then I looks Doc in the eye: "Tie the bull outside," says I. "Doc, I bleeve I'm goin' ter die. I'm dead now above my chin! Eyes and nose and ears and all! Ain't breathed reglar fer a week! Jints all movin' with a squeak. Every time I move my jaw, feel's ez though I'd broke the law. Doc," says I, "it's up ter you! Ef t'aint the pip and 'tain't the flu how yer goin' ter pull me through?" Doc he sets an' thinks erwhile; then he answers with a smile, "Ain't you the chap wrote a talk, couldn't eat and couldn't walk, waited fer the birds to sing, an' the comin' of the spring; wanted to loaf by a larfin stream, set an' fish an' fish an' dream, nuthin' but bees an' bugs an' things, thet live right where the wild stream sings. Maybe that ain't jest carreck, but sumthin' at least to that effeck." An' the doc he opens a bag he lugs. "What you need," sez he, "is a dose of bugs." An' sure enough I'm gettin' well; ain't felt so peart for quite a spell. Wuz over a billion bugs, they say, in the shot doc gimme the other day. Reely feel I'm comin' to; 'tain't the pip an' 'tain't the flu; but jest er case when all I need is sumthin' off'n the flowery mead, an' when you can't inject the Spring nor a dose of blue- bird on the wing, nor brooks that run, ner vi'lets blue ter cure the pip er cure the flu, why! the next best thing the doctor lugs is a shot of erbout a billion bugs. An' as they sort o' crawl eround, I can somehow feel I'm on the ground, with all the rest that my fancy hugs, the birds an' bees an' the billion bugs.
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